Just spent last weekend in Birmingham with a good close friend, Pauly (for tweeters he is @nortybrum)
It was a significant weekend in many ways and I had a brilliant time with an amazing three-sum with Pauly and a friend called JJ. Pauly and I also have some very very good times :)) The clubbing was great and the socializing on the scene was up to its usual high standard.
So what was the down side ??
The downside was me having a total and awful fit of jealousy over JJ and Pauly kissing in Gales's. This after being told by Pauly I was coming on to heavy to JJ. To say I felt such a "Dick Head' would be an understatement ! I felt more awful that those feelings had crossed my mind let alone thrown the total hissy fit I did. He slapped me round the head a bit and I know now (as if i needed to be sure) that I need to re-asses who I am and what I want in life.
I am going to get and read a book called "The Velvet Rage"which I think may help. I have got to stop this mad and tumbling rush of sex and boys ! All the time stumbling from one lad to the next thinking I am searching for "the one" and in actual fact simply enjoying as much sex as I can get my hands on ! Oh this you might say is fine ! But believe me it isn't because I am turning into something I am really not ! Especially as there are actually guys in my life who I would class as very close and very significant. To be like this dishonors them and how can I commit when I I am proceeding through life in that way !!!!
The jealousy with JJ is a symptom. He is a 19yrs Old gorgeous twink and I wanted him all to me !!! When I was not the focus of his attention I went of on a cob !! WTF, I am better than that and all I did was to spoil an evening for others !!
Maybe i should not beat myself up?? No I deserve to be beaten up !!!
I will get the book ... because I need it !
Lets see where I go from there then ... :(
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